if it's so good, why does it feel so bad?

i'm going to usf... i got accepted... i got approved for my apartment... life is good, right?

i dont know... i feel so, empty. for lack of a better word i guess... it's so odd, it's like, be happy damnit! but it's not registering... cuz i'm hanging out with new friends, making lots of money at my new job, and just enjoying life, but somehow i don't feel complete... it's like i'm searching for soemthing or someone to make me whole. i mean, i have a relationship, but i don't know if i like where that is going. i have friends, and they help a little... but i don't know...

as i look back on everything, i find myself yearning for the past. yearning for things that can't be brought back. asking for things that can't be given to me. the only thing is that i'm not asking anyone but myself... and in essence, delivering myself the answers i wish i could just look into myself and find whta i want, and if i do find it, have the courage to scream it out to everyone. to just let everyone know that i'm still here and that i'm not going anywhere.... it's like.... i'm someone who i don't want to be... someone who i can't be.. someone who if i look at myself in the mirror, i won't be happy with....

how do i make myself happy again? how do i see myself for whta i am, and how do i alter the image i see? how do i look at myself and conciously fix what is wrong with me? i can't... i'm so, i dont' know.... out. everytime i get a spare moment... i fade into nothing and become one with my past. i indulge in what was, not what can be, and i can't get out of this rut... maybe i will someday... i don't know.... we'll see

later guys...
-tr4g3