3 o clock, and i just can't...
it's 3 o'clock and i just can't... i can't get her out of my mind. this amazing person that just seems to be eternally stuck in my head, causing an eerie bliss... my eyes can't stay open, and yet i can't sleep. i yearn for the peace that is slumber, and yet i know it won't come. not yet... i await the time when i can be with this girl again, but alas, she is not available.
i want so badly to scream her name, to have her respond for just a second... to just feel her nails down my back once more, and to have her in my arms again. i want so badly to just tell her to come away with me when i leave for tampa, for her to just leave and live with me in my new place. i want to know that all the potential she once had is not wasted, that she'll be okay, and that in the end, she'll be with me. but i don't know about that either. i'm not the person i used to be, and i admit that. if i'm better or worse is not my call, and i refuse to make it so. i don't know how i am anymore, so lost in the void between college and school. i just feel so empty, for the first time in my life, i feel like i have no purpose. i want to take this down time to rethink my life, and what i could be, and i find myself so utterly confused... it's like a gauntlet of decisions, and i can't decipher the right now to save myself. i feel myself being sucked into this eternal hole of indecision and uncertainty and it's utterly chaotic.
i know waht i want. but what i want is so much, so demanding of someone who doesn't even know i exsist. it's like, no matter what i want, i can't ask it, because it is so extremely selfish.
on a lighter note, i'm attempting to write a children's book. whether or not that will get off the ground is yet another uncertainty.. i might not even go through with it. i don't know anymore. i feel.... obsolete... like i can't function...
back when i was with this girl, i felt so complete, like i could take on the world, move mountains, do anything with her. i felt so safe, and for the first time, accepted. now that she's gone, and has been gone for quite some time now, i find myself without an identity, without any defining feature. it's scary. after all this time, i still feel lost, when i should have gained some ground on my life... maybe it'll all change when i go to college. i hope so. with my job now, i find alot of time to just sit back and think, and in thinking, i find myself thinking of her. of how she looked, how she kissed, everything, i can remember every detail about her. her sweet smell, her gentle sighs, her soft lips... wow... i'm stupid.. lol
but anyways, i think i'm going crazy, or slowly falling into the palm of masked depression. maybe i should do somethign about it. it's so easy to create a facade for people, to put on a smile and say "have a nice day!" when deep down i'm just wishing for the soft kiss of death to strike my lips. i think that i need to do more with myself or something... i don't know... maybe i'm just a stupid emokid still... we'll find out sometime, i guess, i hope something spectacular happens soon.... i really do...
-tr4g3
i want so badly to scream her name, to have her respond for just a second... to just feel her nails down my back once more, and to have her in my arms again. i want so badly to just tell her to come away with me when i leave for tampa, for her to just leave and live with me in my new place. i want to know that all the potential she once had is not wasted, that she'll be okay, and that in the end, she'll be with me. but i don't know about that either. i'm not the person i used to be, and i admit that. if i'm better or worse is not my call, and i refuse to make it so. i don't know how i am anymore, so lost in the void between college and school. i just feel so empty, for the first time in my life, i feel like i have no purpose. i want to take this down time to rethink my life, and what i could be, and i find myself so utterly confused... it's like a gauntlet of decisions, and i can't decipher the right now to save myself. i feel myself being sucked into this eternal hole of indecision and uncertainty and it's utterly chaotic.
i know waht i want. but what i want is so much, so demanding of someone who doesn't even know i exsist. it's like, no matter what i want, i can't ask it, because it is so extremely selfish.
on a lighter note, i'm attempting to write a children's book. whether or not that will get off the ground is yet another uncertainty.. i might not even go through with it. i don't know anymore. i feel.... obsolete... like i can't function...
back when i was with this girl, i felt so complete, like i could take on the world, move mountains, do anything with her. i felt so safe, and for the first time, accepted. now that she's gone, and has been gone for quite some time now, i find myself without an identity, without any defining feature. it's scary. after all this time, i still feel lost, when i should have gained some ground on my life... maybe it'll all change when i go to college. i hope so. with my job now, i find alot of time to just sit back and think, and in thinking, i find myself thinking of her. of how she looked, how she kissed, everything, i can remember every detail about her. her sweet smell, her gentle sighs, her soft lips... wow... i'm stupid.. lol
but anyways, i think i'm going crazy, or slowly falling into the palm of masked depression. maybe i should do somethign about it. it's so easy to create a facade for people, to put on a smile and say "have a nice day!" when deep down i'm just wishing for the soft kiss of death to strike my lips. i think that i need to do more with myself or something... i don't know... maybe i'm just a stupid emokid still... we'll find out sometime, i guess, i hope something spectacular happens soon.... i really do...
-tr4g3
posted by p03tic_tr4g3dy at 03:18
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