revelations...

i think that i've just had a revelation.... i dunno tho. here i am, angel flores, training to be a firefighter. but i realized, that in my training, i've never felt better.

i've almost completely stopped partying, stopped drinking, stopped everything bad for me. i've been maxing myself out every time i work out, repping myself out every time, and at the same time, feeling great. i mean, sure, going to work and not being able to hold a pizza is annoying, but i feel proud of myself for some reason. i no longer look in the mirror and wonder what i'm doing to myself. i know now what it is. i no longer see a useless bum staring back at me. i see someone with potential, and i'm starting to uncover it. granted, i haven't even come close to uncovering it, but i'm getting there, and what's great is that i have people backing me up.

my friends, i dont' know what i'd do without them. they are behind me 100% of the way. i mean, everytime i want to go work out, they're right there. my father, he's a firefighter already, and in peak physical condition. he even gave me his blessings, and said that if it is something that i wanted to pursue, that he'd help me all of the way. the support is overwhelming. i just hope i can keep it up. i know that i've promised myself alot, but this is one promise i really really want to keep.

i realized that through training to be a firefighter, i am doing something healthy for myself. i am bringing my body up to where it should be. and i know that being a firefighter is something i really want to be. i mean, it's pretty much my calling. i get to save lives, be adventerous, and have variety. it's the perfect job for me...

i just hope i can make it...

later days,
-tr4g3

love conquers all...

love conquers all, but it all conquers me,
love entraps my soul, crushing who i want to be,
love takes me away, into a place alone,
love gives me nothingness, something i can't condone,

love gives me passion, a reason to live today,
love gives me desire, a reason to want to stay,
love gives me hope, a beacon among the dark,
and love gives me you, and you give me life's spark,

love gives me all of these, all at one time,
love can kill or make me, the feeling near sublime,
love cannot exsist alone, it must be fueled by two,
and that is why you love me, and why i'm loving you,

you love me yet say nothing, the pain tearing at my soul,
you love me yet you look away, as you watch me lose control,
you hate to say you love me, yet it's all that you can say,
and i hate to be doing this, but i stopped loving you today....

Angel
Flores


whoa, that's a fucked up poem... oh well, i dunnno what that was about...

anyways, i think i'm gonna be a firefighter... save lives while risking my own. i've always wanted to do that. ya no? to go out and run into a burning building, or hang from a blazing rooftop, to be able to hold someoen in my arms and feel important for just that fleeting second. to be able to give all of myself to someone who needs me, not someone who takes me for granted. i think that's what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna become a firefigheter. my dad is one, and he loves it. i can only imagine. the feeling you get from savign a life, or even from putting out a fire... it must be amazing..

i think that's what i'm gonna do with myself.. i think i think i hope.... okay

i'm out for now... peace guys

-tr4g3

bittersweet memories

if i could have just one more kiss,
just one more taste of your sweet lips,
would it be all it could be,
or just a bittersweet memory?

if i could hold you long and tight,
and take you away just for tonight,
would it last like it should last,
or just be another blink that past?

oh, how i would give about anything,
just to be able to do those things,
to have just one more thought of you,
even if it may be taboo,

just come to my arms and feel secure,
and let your fears become obscure,
and turn those thought of dread and fright,
into those of sheer delight,

become one with me for just a moment,
and let this be your final atonement,
for me just make this last endeavor,
i swear i'll love you for forever...


-Angel
Flores

i'm so tired of it...

i'm so done with clermont. i'm done with all these people bringing their bullshit problems to work, and burdening everyone else at work with them. i'm tired of being told to do shit, when i'm not the only one standing around doing nothing. i'm sick of people who don't know how to tip... lol but anyways...

apparantly the managers think it's funny to make me their bitch every time i stand around for so much as a second. it doesn't even matter if i had washed all the dishes, finished folding boxes or finished answering phones. no, it sure doesn't. cuz for some reason, i'm still standing there, after doing other people's bitch work, i'm still being idle. what bullshit. i also find it quite humorous that the people at work like to take their problems with them to work,and display them for everyone, thus taking it out on the employees, especially me. my parents are probably getting divorced... but nobody knows that because when i come to work, i don't act any differently than any other day. then why can't they just act like that. work is not meant to be a personal counseling session or anything, nobody is supposed to know what is going on in each other's lives, or how badly they all have it. frankly, i really couldn't care less.. all i want is to go in there, drive and be done with it, but no, not at all, thats never how it works. i go in there, work, get bitched at and told to work more, and therefore do work more, and then get bitched at for more shit that i can't really control...

the above is the reason why i'm implementing my fullproof, "angel doesn't give a shit about u anymore" plan. this plan is where angel walks into work, completely emotionless, and does nothing to anyone. angel will simply do his work, and go home. angel will not do favors for anyone else, and no favors will be expected from anyone, and angel will no longer be anyone's bitch. no more, angel can you stay later? angel, can you cover my shift? angel can you lick my ass? yeah... none of that anymore.. i'm done with it, it pisses me off how people can ask soo god damn much from me, and then give absolutely frickin nothing in return. it really irks me how i help out the managers so god damn much and they still bitch at me for the shit that i don't do. i am working on wed. even tho it's supposed to be a late day for me, i'm coming in at 10.00 just for my GM. FUCK THAT, i'm not doing that anymre. i stayed an hour late at work today, just to hear my manager bitch me out. yay... fuck them... i'm so tired of stupid fuckin clermont drama. who cares if your car broke down, or if you're having problems at home? don't bring them to fuckin work. that is not the place, nor is it the time to be taking it out on people...

i've decided i'm going to ignore everyoen at work... not just one person, not just certain people... everyone... i will talk to, interact with, joke with, anything with anyone there anymore.. i am just gonna go in, chill out, and go home. work my hours and nobody else's. and that's that.

i'm out,
-tr4g3

3 o clock, and i just can't...

it's 3 o'clock and i just can't... i can't get her out of my mind. this amazing person that just seems to be eternally stuck in my head, causing an eerie bliss... my eyes can't stay open, and yet i can't sleep. i yearn for the peace that is slumber, and yet i know it won't come. not yet... i await the time when i can be with this girl again, but alas, she is not available.

i want so badly to scream her name, to have her respond for just a second... to just feel her nails down my back once more, and to have her in my arms again. i want so badly to just tell her to come away with me when i leave for tampa, for her to just leave and live with me in my new place. i want to know that all the potential she once had is not wasted, that she'll be okay, and that in the end, she'll be with me. but i don't know about that either. i'm not the person i used to be, and i admit that. if i'm better or worse is not my call, and i refuse to make it so. i don't know how i am anymore, so lost in the void between college and school. i just feel so empty, for the first time in my life, i feel like i have no purpose. i want to take this down time to rethink my life, and what i could be, and i find myself so utterly confused... it's like a gauntlet of decisions, and i can't decipher the right now to save myself. i feel myself being sucked into this eternal hole of indecision and uncertainty and it's utterly chaotic.

i know waht i want. but what i want is so much, so demanding of someone who doesn't even know i exsist. it's like, no matter what i want, i can't ask it, because it is so extremely selfish.

on a lighter note, i'm attempting to write a children's book. whether or not that will get off the ground is yet another uncertainty.. i might not even go through with it. i don't know anymore. i feel.... obsolete... like i can't function...

back when i was with this girl, i felt so complete, like i could take on the world, move mountains, do anything with her. i felt so safe, and for the first time, accepted. now that she's gone, and has been gone for quite some time now, i find myself without an identity, without any defining feature. it's scary. after all this time, i still feel lost, when i should have gained some ground on my life... maybe it'll all change when i go to college. i hope so. with my job now, i find alot of time to just sit back and think, and in thinking, i find myself thinking of her. of how she looked, how she kissed, everything, i can remember every detail about her. her sweet smell, her gentle sighs, her soft lips... wow... i'm stupid.. lol

but anyways, i think i'm going crazy, or slowly falling into the palm of masked depression. maybe i should do somethign about it. it's so easy to create a facade for people, to put on a smile and say "have a nice day!" when deep down i'm just wishing for the soft kiss of death to strike my lips. i think that i need to do more with myself or something... i don't know... maybe i'm just a stupid emokid still... we'll find out sometime, i guess, i hope something spectacular happens soon.... i really do...

-tr4g3

if it's so good, why does it feel so bad?

i'm going to usf... i got accepted... i got approved for my apartment... life is good, right?

i dont know... i feel so, empty. for lack of a better word i guess... it's so odd, it's like, be happy damnit! but it's not registering... cuz i'm hanging out with new friends, making lots of money at my new job, and just enjoying life, but somehow i don't feel complete... it's like i'm searching for soemthing or someone to make me whole. i mean, i have a relationship, but i don't know if i like where that is going. i have friends, and they help a little... but i don't know...

as i look back on everything, i find myself yearning for the past. yearning for things that can't be brought back. asking for things that can't be given to me. the only thing is that i'm not asking anyone but myself... and in essence, delivering myself the answers i wish i could just look into myself and find whta i want, and if i do find it, have the courage to scream it out to everyone. to just let everyone know that i'm still here and that i'm not going anywhere.... it's like.... i'm someone who i don't want to be... someone who i can't be.. someone who if i look at myself in the mirror, i won't be happy with....

how do i make myself happy again? how do i see myself for whta i am, and how do i alter the image i see? how do i look at myself and conciously fix what is wrong with me? i can't... i'm so, i dont' know.... out. everytime i get a spare moment... i fade into nothing and become one with my past. i indulge in what was, not what can be, and i can't get out of this rut... maybe i will someday... i don't know.... we'll see

later guys...
-tr4g3

reflection

well, today is my birthday, and being thus, i suppose it's a day of reflection... yeah, well, right now i just cleaned out my dresser and found pictures of all the girls i've gone out with over the years. how i let some of them get away, i have no clue, but as for others, i'm glad they're gone. one thing i thought about during this time though, is how ironic life is. i mean, how ironic is it that the girl who went to all ap classes and was so uber smart, is now a server and falling into a rut that i don't see any exit to in the near future. and the other one is and has been an employee at publix for god knows how long, and i don't see any progress there either. and both of these girls said they were going different places in life than i was headed... well correct me if i'm wrong, but i thought those places were college.

i myself have hopefully gotten the most awesome apartment i found in the tampa area with a roomate, i'll be accepted to college soon and start classes in the fall, and i'll have moved on from this town callled gaymont... haha and gone on to achieve new things.

sometimes i wonder if i'm ready to face the world. i just don't know. hopefully it'll all be okay, and i won't have to worry about any of it. if not, then w/e, we'll find out.

l8er
-tr4g3

pardon my awesome

dude, i ordered a new paintball gun today! it was amazing, it's so beautiful... wow... but anyways, it's insane. i applied for a job at orlando paintball, and i hope that i get it. if not, i guess i'll just go somewhere else. well, i think that i might stay at perkins, and ask for a raise and more hrs. i dunno, i'll figure it out someday, oh well, right now i'm at slifer's house, and well... we're having fun, so i'm gone. later guys

-tr4g3

wow... it's been a while...

damn, so much has happened since my last posting. i quit my job, got another one, got denied for school cuz my scholarships aren't valid till fall, and revamped my whole car basically. i've been just hanging out with friends like a madman, and it's pretty fun.

interesting, the other day i was working on my car with ramon and co. and caitlin and jessica and eva want me to go out to eat dessert with them. i haven't seen any of them in a looong time so i was just like, okay. went out thre, and hung out with them, and it was cool. i've forgotten just how beautiful those girls are, caitlin especially. lol it's sad to say, but i miss her alot. even the little bit we had between us, i miss it. but i guess i can't go back to that again. it's too far in the past, and she's gone. oh well, i just hope i find another girl like her.

moving on, i'm probably going to be a referee at a paintball place, awesome, no? yes, it is. lol but yeah, it's cool, cuz i love paintball, and i hate perkins. yay. i'm pretty tired of taking people's shit, so why not watch people shoot the hell out of each other and get paid for it? i love paintball, soon hopefully i'll have a better gun and shiza, and then i can r0x0r the hizouse. i need to get out at least, it's so damn boring here, i want to kill myself. oh well.... anyways, i'll probably start posting more here, cuz well... i'm just that damn bored. haha,

carpe diem, and all that jazz

-tr4g3

pulling out hair

gah, it's been such a long time since i've posted. crazy crazy crazy. but anyways, i'm graduated from hs now! yay! and i think things are over with emily, so i guess that's good. i'm gonna ask chelsea out to dinner sometime in the future, and massage therapy school is just around the corner for me. yay, i'm done with this dumb hs crap and i'll be out of here... i dunno what else to write, so i'm izout. piece!